Five years ago today...

I thought my world had ended. God had taken from me the one person I loved, cherished and needed the most in the world. My Mom always fixed all my problems and now what was I going to do with her gone…especially when I didn’t have my husband to support me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and going to the hospital alone and thinking to myself “She’s not going to die. She can’t, I need her.” I remember a few details from that day, but the one that is so vivid in my mind is when I walked into the room and the woman lying in the bed could not have been Mom – she was hooked up to everything and the nurses were working on her. I felt like I could have collapsed right there on the floor – I remember my sister grabbing my arm. I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing and my mind was blank. I walked over to her side and grabbed her hand and immediately starting to talking to her and begging her not to leave me. I kept telling her to fight and not give up, I needed her and my kids needed her. Then…she squeezed my hand…in that moment, I knew she could hear me…she wasn’t going to leave me, she knows I need her. I looked at the nurse and told him, “Please don’t let my Mom die…I need her.” As the nurses and doctors continued to work on her, I walked out of the room and went to the waiting room…I fell asleep…and then I remember waking up in a hurry and running to her room…they told us she wasn’t going to make it. The pain struck me; a pain that is indescribable…all I wanted to do was die myself. How could I live with out my Mom? I sat there holding her hand while my entire family packed into the room…they unhooked the machines and within minutes my Mom took her last breath. I had never watched anyone die before…I remember looking up around the room and seeing tears and hearing Jerry crying…I sat there…looking at my Mom and literally wanted to die with her. I left the hospital with my Mom’s belongings in a hospital bag (a bag that I still have with all her stuff in it from that night – the way she put it in the bag in her room – I can’t seem to move it or look through it).

The next thing I remember is Don waking me up and telling me how sorry he was that he was not there for me. I can’t remember what or even if I said anything to him…I think at this point I was numb. I had no feelings inside me…all I wanted was to sleep. The next thing I remember is my Dad waking me up and telling me I had to eat…the thought of eating made me sick, but my Dad insisted…I remember sitting at my kitchen table, barely holding up my head trying to eat and then I lost it. I started bawling asking why? Why did God take my Mom? The next several days, weeks, months were the hardest of my life…I had two kids to take care of and that needed me. Zach was a complete mess that he lost his grandma. Even though there were many times I wanted to give up…I couldn’t.

Now, five years later, I survived my Mom’s death. I survived Don and I being separated and then divorced. I survived…without my Mom. My Mom made me a survivor, she knew I could do it; she knew that I would make it through it and come out a better person. I am stronger today and although I have my moments when I wish I could pick up the phone and call her to tell her what I have accomplished; or to hear her say how proud she is of me – I know deep down my Mom is saying on those things about me as she watches me become the person she wanted me to be. I miss and love her tremendously and someday I will get the chance to see her again…